New Direction, New Focus

The last time I wrote on this blog, almost a year ago, I was a lost, scared human being who desperately needed answers, time to heal, and a plan. My days were edged in darkness and a weight had settled around my shoulders. Things I had once enjoyed felt like a chore. Writing, once my safe haven, felt false and non-satisfying. I resented myself for that.

My original idea for this blog is now obsolete. My idea was to show the world my life, how I saw it. My "rocky marriage" is now over, and my ex and I are slowly getting to a good place in order to support Logan. I'm quickly learning who my real friends are not only by how they treat me, but how they act in their own daily lives, how they deal with their own struggles. Before I go on, I want to clarify:

I love my friends, I want to support them, help them when they struggle, and generally be there for them whenever they need me. But at the same time, I find that they might need me a little TOO much. Instead of feeling like a friend, or even a sister, I feel like their mother, chastising them when they make the wrong choice (in my view), giving out money when I really can't afford to be so generous, listening, but never listened too. In the end, I feel used up and bitter.

So I have slowly started to separate from those people, while at the same time, reteaching myself how to be a friend. When I am called upon, advice isn't always the best medicine. Just listening or reassuring is the order of the day, and that is something I need to learn how to do. THAT is real support.

Taken this morning before heading to school

There is nothing I wouldn't do for that face. I cannot express how much his smile makes my heart sing and my eyes weep. Logan has blossomed this year. He is gaining confidence, growing taller, and Lord help me, getting smarter. And he knows it.

Taken around December before heading to school

6 months ago, Logan never would have smiled at the camera. He was a child that NEEDED routine, and only wanted me to help him do things if I was nearby. He was very much interested in HIS world, and not reality. This morning, he allowed his grandmother to fix him breakfast, give him a shower, and pack his lunch. For the first time, he is now worried about someone else's feelings, how he can make people smile, and making an effort to see the people he loves, instead of expecting them to come see him.

I cannot express how proud I am of him. He enjoys school, and gets sad when the weekend rolls around because he wants to go see his teacher. In fact, he insisted on giving her not one, but two red apples today, saying she was the best teacher he's ever had. I agree with that actually. She has given Logan a lot of confidence and reassurance this year, and that is priceless.

If there is one thing Loan loves, it's art. Painting, drawing, gluing, coloring, cutting, all of it. And he dedicates his pictures to people. The first one "Autobot vs. Decepticon" he dedicated to my cousin Amber, because they share a love of all things Transformers. The second picture he made while at church during Easter. All the other kids were gluing things on foam crosses, he decided to make me a blue heart, because blue is my favorite color.

He's shining, and growing, and becoming a person who attracts the good in people. As a parent, there isn't any better feeling than knowing your child will do good in the world, just by smiling and making people feel better.

So in closing, this blog is changing, just as I am. My life is no longer filled with drama and hard times, I refuse to allow it to overwhelm me. I will more than likely focus more on ADHD and different programs that I have found that help Logan. In my research, I've found that comparing notes with other parents help more than reading what researchers and studies have to say.

A new day is dawning, and the world is looking pretty bright.

-Shannon

So Much More

When you hear the term ADHD, what do you think?

You think hyper, right?

Me too, but I am learning it is sooo much more than that. I didn't understand the stress and worry that parents have to deal with, the other symptoms the child with ADHD has to deal with, all of the information from 80 different places all flooding you at once.

I admit to being naive about ADHD, classifying it as a "easy" thing to deal with, to thinking medicine was the answer everytime.

But I'm learning fast. I'm also losing sleep from worry.

There isn't a moment that my thoughts aren't with Logan, that I'm not thinking about the next step. What is the plan? Is there a way I can make this easier for him? What do I do about his teacher that doesn't seem to care? How do I explain to my boss I need more hours, but I need flexible time so I can take my son to all of his appointments? How can I get Logan to eat more when he doesn't want to eat because of his medicine? Am I imaging the renewal of his symptoms when he's been on meds for a while? What are the long term effects of all of these chemicals in his body?

I had no idea that ADHD had other symptoms other than hyperactivity. Impulsiveness, anger, lack of focus, complete focus (yes, they are two completely different things, and its amazing that a child can have both, but they are on opposite ends of the spectrum), lack of sleep, lack of appetite, lashing out, headaches, the list goes on and on, and I haven't even touched upon most of them.

Then comes in the medicine. I did understand that with ADHD, a lot of kids had to be switched from one medicine to another because it wasn't working, but I never realized the amount of medicine switching, or the playing with the dosage, and then the changes in a child's body changes how they react to the medicine as they grow up.

I trust Logan's pediatrician, but Logan has other issues other than the ADHD. He's having a hard time with the divorce, and so I took him to a psychologist, who was great, but thought there might be other issues on top of the ADHD, so he referred us to a psychiatrist. We were there for almost 4 hours talking to the nurse, and then doctor came in, handed me two prescriptions and escorted us out. He wanted to change Logan's ADHD medicine and put him on anti-depressants for depression and anxiety.

This shook me up and scared me. Logan is 6. I called my mother, I called my father, I called my ex-husband, trying to get someone to talk me down, to help me understand. They all agreed, call Logan's pediatrician. I did that, and his doctor flat out refused to put Logan on anti-depressants without first trying other therapy. His office made me feel better, made me understand, and said that down the road, if there is no improvement, anti-depressants might be necessary, but not without trying something else first.

I feel calmer now, ready to grab ahold of a plan and stick with it. I don't regret going to the psychologist, but I do regret allowing the psychiatrist to scare me, to allow him to diagnose Logan without looking at him or talking to him, for allowing him to create doubt in myself as a mother and in his doctor who has known him since he was born.

So my lesson has been learned, trust your instincts as a mother, trust you are doing your best. As a child, I never imagined myself as a mom, I couldn't see past my selfish nature. But once I found out I was pregnant, my entire universe shifted, focused on the tiny bundle of dynamite that was inside of me.

God knew what he was doing, giving me Logan at such a young age. I had no path, no direction. But with Logan came insight, and dedication, and faith that everything would work out.

The information about ADHD is still being processed in my brain, but I'm not going to stop. Logan needs me, and whether Logan knows it or not, I need him.

Don't Fix What Ain't Broken

I say Logan drives me crazy a lot. And he does. But that's just Logan. He's a conundrum of issues, of many personality traits, and somedays, I'm not sure which one will be most dominant. He loves to play fight, and has a tendency to hurt people without meaning to, he's loud, he's repetitive, and he's spacey.

Maybe spacey isn't the correct word. When he's focused on something, it can take up to ten minutes to get his full attention. He won't look a person in the eye, and if there is a reflective surface, he is staring at himself.

This brings me to my topic: possible ADHD. The term Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder never scared me until Logan turned three, and his doctor gave me a knowing look and said, "You know what I'm thinking, right Shannon?" as he watched Logan bounce from exam table, to the chair, down to the floor and back to the exam table.

Yes. I knew.

I admit that a part of me hoped that Logan would grow out of it, that it wasn't as bad as it appeared. If anything, in the last four months, it seems to have gotten worse.

I enrolled Logan in school yesterday for Kindergarden, and as I was filling out the medical health paperwork, I panicked. Logan has not been officially diagnosed with anything, because his doctor wanted to see how he did in school. But deep down, I knew Logan would not be able to sit still in a desk all day long and be quiet and courteous. Logan is an active kid, and when he isn't active, he has to be moving a part of his body, mostly his legs.

Case in point: while watching TV, Logan is on the floor, rolling around, or jumping from couch to couch, or doing puzzles. Sitting still is not Logan's forte. At. All.

So while I panicked, I knew I had to come up with a plan. I had to take charge. I cannot afford prescription medication for ADHD, and the thought of all of those chemicals in Logan's body makes me cringe. I opted for an herbal remedy. I contacted my aunt, who is a wiz at all things herbal, and she pointed me at some options.

I'm not going to say what those options are until we try it, but we did buy a product.

But even with this product, I'm afraid of losing my son. Even when I was pregnant with Logan, I knew him, knew his quirks, knew his personality. I would talk and he would push against me in response. Again, I knew him. When he was born, and for the last 6 years, I have watched him grow and learn and experience, and I'm afraid that by treating his possible ADHD, that all of the traits that make him Logan will disappear, and I won't know my son any longer. I seem to define Logan by his hyperactivity. While I know my son is smart, so smart it scares me sometimes, I have to wonder if some of that comes because his brain is always on the go. If I stop that, will he still love to do puzzles? Color? Read?

I admit I'm afraid. And I'm doing it alone. My mother helps me, but ultimately, this is my decision. His health and safety are my top concerns, and I don't feel as if I can sit down and talk to Bubba about it, without Bubba saying "Let's wait and see." I am not a wait and see person. When I see a "problem" I want to fix it, so it doesn't bite me in the butt later.

And how do you explain to a five year old the changes in his body when you give him something to calm him down. Logan knows one way, and that's Logan's way.

I find myself asking more and more questions, but I'm not getting any answers. I know the only way to to go about this is to try and learn, but I fear the future for Logan, and for my relationship with him.

And I get defensive. While I was doing research on ADHD, I ran across an article that tried to link ADHD to bad parenting. I got so mad at it, I closed the browser. I wished I hadn't, I would have posted it here. At first I was mad, then I felt guilty, then I felt anger again.

The guilt came in because I know I'm not the world's best parent. I yell, I curse, I ignore, but I love my son. I adore him, and I can't imagine my life without his laughter, or his tears. They break my heart. He cries because he knows he isn't supposed to act out, or break things, but he can't seem to stop himself.

So the anger came back when I realized the person who wrote the article, did the study, whatever, did not know me. Could not tell me that Logan's possible ADHD was because I got knocked up at the age of 19, or because my marriage failed, or because I fed Logan all of the wrong foods. Logan is not a "bad" kid. He struggles to tell funny jokes, he's loves to talk, and he adores his daddy.

What more could you want from a five year old?

There are tons of studies about where ADHD might come from. And as a mother, I worry I might have done something wrong when he was conceived or along the lines of my pregnancy. Yes, I understand this kind of thinking is fruitless, but the what if's are extremely dominant.

Like when I got extremely hammered and passed out drunk at Bubba's house. I found out three weeks later I was pregnant. I remember breaking down in my OB/GYN 's office confessing my one mistake and he laughed at me, saying that Logan was probably fine because I was not a habitual drinker. That mistake still haunts me.

Or all of the drugs the doctors had to pump into me when I was in the hospital when my kidney's were failing. Did they alter Logan's personailty? Should I have accepted the pain, and just did my best to keep Logan alive? I thought I made the right decision.

Again, this is fruitless, but I still wonder, I still worry, and I lose sleep.

Logan was given to me by God to teach me something, and I am going to do the best I can to keep Logan happy, healthy, and safe. He is my life, my shining light, and if he flickers, I will too.

*Shannon*