I say Logan drives me crazy a lot. And he does. But that's just Logan. He's a conundrum of issues, of many personality traits, and somedays, I'm not sure which one will be most dominant. He loves to play fight, and has a tendency to hurt people without meaning to, he's loud, he's repetitive, and he's spacey.
Maybe spacey isn't the correct word. When he's focused on something, it can take up to ten minutes to get his full attention. He won't look a person in the eye, and if there is a reflective surface, he is staring at himself.
This brings me to my topic: possible ADHD. The term Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder never scared me until Logan turned three, and his doctor gave me a knowing look and said, "You know what I'm thinking, right Shannon?" as he watched Logan bounce from exam table, to the chair, down to the floor and back to the exam table.
Yes. I knew.
I admit that a part of me hoped that Logan would grow out of it, that it wasn't as bad as it appeared. If anything, in the last four months, it seems to have gotten worse.
I enrolled Logan in school yesterday for Kindergarden, and as I was filling out the medical health paperwork, I panicked. Logan has not been officially diagnosed with anything, because his doctor wanted to see how he did in school. But deep down, I knew Logan would not be able to sit still in a desk all day long and be quiet and courteous. Logan is an active kid, and when he isn't active, he has to be moving a part of his body, mostly his legs.
Case in point: while watching TV, Logan is on the floor, rolling around, or jumping from couch to couch, or doing puzzles. Sitting still is not Logan's forte. At. All.
So while I panicked, I knew I had to come up with a plan. I had to take charge. I cannot afford prescription medication for ADHD, and the thought of all of those chemicals in Logan's body makes me cringe. I opted for an herbal remedy. I contacted my aunt, who is a wiz at all things herbal, and she pointed me at some options.
I'm not going to say what those options are until we try it, but we did buy a product.
But even with this product, I'm afraid of losing my son. Even when I was pregnant with Logan, I knew him, knew his quirks, knew his personality. I would talk and he would push against me in response. Again, I knew him. When he was born, and for the last 6 years, I have watched him grow and learn and experience, and I'm afraid that by treating his possible ADHD, that all of the traits that make him Logan will disappear, and I won't know my son any longer. I seem to define Logan by his hyperactivity. While I know my son is smart, so smart it scares me sometimes, I have to wonder if some of that comes because his brain is always on the go. If I stop that, will he still love to do puzzles? Color? Read?
I admit I'm afraid. And I'm doing it alone. My mother helps me, but ultimately, this is my decision. His health and safety are my top concerns, and I don't feel as if I can sit down and talk to Bubba about it, without Bubba saying "Let's wait and see." I am not a wait and see person. When I see a "problem" I want to fix it, so it doesn't bite me in the butt later.
And how do you explain to a five year old the changes in his body when you give him something to calm him down. Logan knows one way, and that's Logan's way.
I find myself asking more and more questions, but I'm not getting any answers. I know the only way to to go about this is to try and learn, but I fear the future for Logan, and for my relationship with him.
And I get defensive. While I was doing research on ADHD, I ran across an article that tried to link ADHD to bad parenting. I got so mad at it, I closed the browser. I wished I hadn't, I would have posted it here. At first I was mad, then I felt guilty, then I felt anger again.
The guilt came in because I know I'm not the world's best parent. I yell, I curse, I ignore, but I love my son. I adore him, and I can't imagine my life without his laughter, or his tears. They break my heart. He cries because he knows he isn't supposed to act out, or break things, but he can't seem to stop himself.
So the anger came back when I realized the person who wrote the article, did the study, whatever, did not know me. Could not tell me that Logan's possible ADHD was because I got knocked up at the age of 19, or because my marriage failed, or because I fed Logan all of the wrong foods. Logan is not a "bad" kid. He struggles to tell funny jokes, he's loves to talk, and he adores his daddy.
What more could you want from a five year old?
There are tons of studies about where ADHD might come from. And as a mother, I worry I might have done something wrong when he was conceived or along the lines of my pregnancy. Yes, I understand this kind of thinking is fruitless, but the what if's are extremely dominant.
Like when I got extremely hammered and passed out drunk at Bubba's house. I found out three weeks later I was pregnant. I remember breaking down in my OB/GYN 's office confessing my one mistake and he laughed at me, saying that Logan was probably fine because I was not a habitual drinker. That mistake still haunts me.
Or all of the drugs the doctors had to pump into me when I was in the hospital when my kidney's were failing. Did they alter Logan's personailty? Should I have accepted the pain, and just did my best to keep Logan alive? I thought I made the right decision.
Again, this is fruitless, but I still wonder, I still worry, and I lose sleep.
Logan was given to me by God to teach me something, and I am going to do the best I can to keep Logan happy, healthy, and safe. He is my life, my shining light, and if he flickers, I will too.
*Shannon*
