New Direction, New Focus

The last time I wrote on this blog, almost a year ago, I was a lost, scared human being who desperately needed answers, time to heal, and a plan. My days were edged in darkness and a weight had settled around my shoulders. Things I had once enjoyed felt like a chore. Writing, once my safe haven, felt false and non-satisfying. I resented myself for that.

My original idea for this blog is now obsolete. My idea was to show the world my life, how I saw it. My "rocky marriage" is now over, and my ex and I are slowly getting to a good place in order to support Logan. I'm quickly learning who my real friends are not only by how they treat me, but how they act in their own daily lives, how they deal with their own struggles. Before I go on, I want to clarify:

I love my friends, I want to support them, help them when they struggle, and generally be there for them whenever they need me. But at the same time, I find that they might need me a little TOO much. Instead of feeling like a friend, or even a sister, I feel like their mother, chastising them when they make the wrong choice (in my view), giving out money when I really can't afford to be so generous, listening, but never listened too. In the end, I feel used up and bitter.

So I have slowly started to separate from those people, while at the same time, reteaching myself how to be a friend. When I am called upon, advice isn't always the best medicine. Just listening or reassuring is the order of the day, and that is something I need to learn how to do. THAT is real support.

Taken this morning before heading to school

There is nothing I wouldn't do for that face. I cannot express how much his smile makes my heart sing and my eyes weep. Logan has blossomed this year. He is gaining confidence, growing taller, and Lord help me, getting smarter. And he knows it.

Taken around December before heading to school
6 months ago, Logan never would have smiled at the camera. He was a child that NEEDED routine, and only wanted me to help him do things if I was nearby. He was very much interested in HIS world, and not reality. This morning, he allowed his grandmother to fix him breakfast, give him a shower, and pack his lunch. For the first time, he is now worried about someone else's feelings, how he can make people smile, and making an effort to see the people he loves, instead of expecting them to come see him.

I cannot express how proud I am of him. He enjoys school, and gets sad when the weekend rolls around because he wants to go see his teacher. In fact, he insisted on giving her not one, but two red apples today, saying she was the best teacher he's ever had. I agree with that actually. She has given Logan a lot of confidence and reassurance this year, and that is priceless.

If there is one thing Loan loves, it's art. Painting, drawing, gluing, coloring, cutting, all of it. And he dedicates his pictures to people. The first one "Autobot vs. Decepticon" he dedicated to my cousin Amber, because they share a love of all things Transformers. The second picture he made while at church during Easter. All the other kids were gluing things on foam crosses, he decided to make me a blue heart, because blue is my favorite color.

He's shining, and growing, and becoming a person who attracts the good in people. As a parent, there isn't any better feeling than knowing your child will do good in the world, just by smiling and making people feel better.

So in closing, this blog is changing, just as I am. My life is no longer filled with drama and hard times, I refuse to allow it to overwhelm me. I will more than likely focus more on ADHD and different programs that I have found that help Logan. In my research, I've found that comparing notes with other parents help more than reading what researchers and studies have to say.

A new day is dawning, and the world is looking pretty bright.


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